


Inconsequential Details

by UbiquitousMixie



Category: Nurse Jackie (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-24 21:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1617146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UbiquitousMixie/pseuds/UbiquitousMixie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is rather an inconvenience to be in love with your best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inconsequential Details

**Author's Note:**

> Written in 2011. Comments are love.

O’Hara hopes that scrawling her signature across a mountain of charts will remind her of who she is. She is Dr. Eleanor O’Hara. She is Chief of the Emergency Room at All Saints Hospital. She is a surgeon, a woman of stature. She is strong and independent, posh and elegant, sarcastic and clever. She’s rather pleased with the woman she’s become and as she reaches the bottom of the pile, she has almost managed to remember that these are the things that matter, not inconsequential details like love and loneliness. 

It is rather an inconvenience to be in love with your best friend. This is not a new development for O’Hara; she’s been in love with Jackie for several years, but now it’s actually beginning to get to her. Now more than ever, O’Hara doesn’t recognize the woman she considers her best friend. Jackie has always presented somewhat of an enigma, always there for her while remaining at arm’s length. Of everyone, O’Hara believes that she is the one Jackie trusts the most—or used to, at any rate. Things have changed. 

O’Hara doesn’t like it. 

Her feelings for Jackie have become somewhat of a preoccupation. They’d never been a problem before, not even during her relationship with Sarah. Her love for Jackie was formerly a warm companion, tucked away to fortify her at her lowest moments. It surpassed friendship. It was love in its purest form: unconditional and without hope or desire for reciprocation.

However, these feelings have metamorphosed from a benign to a malignant tumor, eating away at her until she is weak and scared and terribly alone. She still performs her job adequately and has even managed to finally move out of the hotel, but her thoughts are no longer her own. She has little control over her daydreams. When she’d prefer to fantasize over a pair of slingback Louboutins, she finds herself thinking instead of how Jackie’s smile no longer reaches her eyes. She’s lying more than ever and O’Hara believes that no one else has even noticed.

The thing about loving Jackie is that it no longer makes O’Hara feel good. Jackie, who had always represented staunchly flawed perfection, is now becoming someone different…someone darker and more elusive. She’s no longer a friend. They do lunch and chat, but the Jackie that O’Hara cherished is gone. She doesn’t recognize the person who now fills those blue scrubs. O’Hara feels, for lack of a better term, completely abandoned. 

Is it the drugs? Kevin? Eddie? Is it something O’Hara knows nothing about? The possibilities are endless and rather than confront her (which, as it turns out, is an appallingly bad idea), O’Hara simply loses sleep mulling over what exactly went wrong with Jackie Peyton. 

O’Hara clicks her pen and sticks it in the pocket of her lab coat before neatly straightening the pile of charts. It’s unpleasantly quiet in the ER this morning and it forces a frown from O’Hara’s lips. She would prefer being busy; being busy would keep her mind occupied and would inevitably remind her that she is more than just a woman in love with her best friend. She could use a reminder like that, especially now when she is worrying about how to help a woman who doesn’t want to be helped. 

As the doctor sets aside the stack of charts and wonders if Jackie is telling the truth about her troubles at home, Zoey sidles up alongside her at the desk, leaning against her elbow. She stares at her for nearly a full minute with wide, expressive puppy eyes before O’Hara finally raises an eyebrow. 

“Look…this is totally none of my beeswax—“ Zoey begins. 

O’Hara’s lips tighten. “Then perhaps you ought to reconsider whatever it is that you’re about to say.” 

Zoey pauses, fiddling with her stethoscope. Her words come out in a breathless rush. “I probably should…it’s just…you and Jackie seem…well…it seems like you broke up. Not that you’re together…’cause I know you had that thing with Sarah. And Jackie’s married. Slash with Eddie…slash…I don’t even know what her love life is like—no, shut up, Zoey. I just mean…” Zoey shakes her head and looks imploringly at the doctor. “You two used to be besties and now it seems like you’re not.” 

O’Hara is more stunned than she chooses to let on. Is it that obvious that things have changed? She wants to know who gave it away, if it was herself, or if it was Jackie. She wants to ask and she knows that Zoey would faithfully divulge any information she had, but she is also weary of becoming involved in hospital gossip. She doesn’t care about her reputation when it comes it hearsay, but she does care about the fact that whatever she says could get back to Jackie. 

“You’re right.” She pauses. “It is none of your business.” 

“I…you seem sad. And it’s making _me_ sad.” 

O’Hara looks at Zoey then, _really_ looks, and she can actually see the sadness in her eyes. The girl looks as though she’s about to pounce on her in a childlike embrace. It’s the sincerest look O’Hara has ever seen in the eyes of a nurse in this hospital and as much as it heartens her, it also breaks her heart. “That’s kind of you to say.” 

“Well, it’s true. Jackie has been weird lately. She and I are close too, you know…but I can tell it’s even worse with you. So if you ever, you know, need a friend…wanna talk…you can talk to me.” 

O’Hara purses her lips gently. Could she ever truly talk to a woman half her age who wears butterfly earrings and scrubs with cartoon characters? Can she trust a woman she barely knows when she can barely trust the person closest to her in the world? The very thought of it is ludicrous and yet O’Hara realizes that it’s this same young woman who is offering to be there for her when no one else is. The person that O’Hara needs more than anyone else is no longer available and the stark truth of it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. “I appreciate the sentiment.” 

“No but for real though, Doctor…I mean it. I can’t be a stand-in for Jackie…but I can be here. For you, I mean. I’d like to be your friend.” 

O’Hara sees a flash of pale blue in the corner of her eye as Jackie rounds the corner, her hands stuffed into her pockets. Jackie looks over and their eyes catch and O’Hara’s breath hitches in her throat. She smiles wanly and in return, Jackie’s mouth twitches into the imposter of a smile before she shoulders open the door to the women’s restroom and disappears inside. 

The doctor sighs. She knows Zoey has witnessed the entire brief exchange. “I’m rather short on friends at the moment.” She turns to look at the young nurse. “Jackie is off limits for discussion. Is that understood?” 

“Totally. Of course.” Zoey nods emphatically. 

“All right then, friend. Let’s go to lunch.” 

“But it’s only 10:30.” 

O’Hara raises an eyebrow. 

“Which is the best time for lunch ever!” Zoey adds. 

O’Hara isn’t sure that this charming, lovely girl will make her forget how much loving Jackie Peyton hurts. She certainly knows that Zoey will never replace Jackie. All she knows is that for the first time in longer than O’Hara cares to remember, someone actually gives a damn about her. 

It’s a new feeling and she likes it. 

It makes her feel like O’Hara again. 

\---


End file.
